Searching for Serenity - Square One
by MamaBear2Two
Summary: Everything is changing, and Chris and Buck are caught in the crosswinds. Where is home and can it be the one place they've never been? Sometimes everything you need, is the family you didn't even know you had.
1. Chapter 1

Hey Everybody! I know, I know, this is most certainly not Band of Brothers - honestly it's far, far from it. But there are times when a plot bunny drags you down an unbeaten path and there's just no going back. This is definitely a road less traveled for me, but the journey has been intriguing. :) All of our favorite guys are here - or will be as the story moves along. Plus, we have an unusual canon character, my favorite OC's and a few new ones.

I'maMePanda has been a great help in this and she's a pretty amazing friend too. ;) I'd tap dance my thanks out to her, if one could do that and if I was that talented, because that'd be cool, right? But sadly, I am *not* that talented, so me shouting my thank you to her across the internet will have to do for now. (and if you haven't read her stuff, what the hey are you waiting for?!)

Hopefully you find this as intriguing to read as I have found it to write. Reviews are wishes come true, so please toss your pennies in the well of fiction. ;)

**S4S**

Staring at the overflowing trunk of the sedan, Hannah pushed a lock of dark blonde hair out of her brown eyes and sighed. She pulled two duffle bags off the pile of bags, suitcases and small boxes and dropped them on the ground near her feet. Feeling the tears threatening again, she sucked in a deep breath and bit her lip. After only a moment, she swallowed hard and closed the trunk down. At least it closed this time, she thought, bending to grab the duffle bags. Standing up, a small smile crossed her face as she saw Buck, on his knees, looking out the back window of the car. He was waving at her, a big grin on his face. She couldn't wave back with her hands full, so she made a silly face, and giggling, he turned back around, flopping into his seat.

He reminded her so much of Zach.

The familiar hurt pricked at her heart and she stuffed the memories away, walking around the car and squishing the bags she held into what little room was left on the front seat.

"You all ready, Baby?" She looked into the back at her dark haired, tall for his age son and he grinned again.

"Sure, Mama. You packed my clothes..." he trailed off, waiting for her to continue the silly routine, born from one too many moves and very few possessions.

"And you packed your toys," she finished, watching her youngest nod and hold up the small Star Wars bag on his lap. She smiled at him, while fighting against the thoughts that berated her. Her inability to give the boys even small pleasures warred with the suffocating pressures of responsibility in general. She needed to...needed...She backed away from the car, slamming the door.

This was the right thing to do... This was the right...it was!

"Mama, are you ok?" Buck climbed over bags and a large suitcase that was in the middle, to look out the window at her. Summoning every last ounce of courage she had, Hannah nodded.

"'Course I am, Baby. Where's Chris?" She asked, reaching out to run a finger down his cheek.

He studied her a moment before answering. Guilt tugged at her at the intensity of her child's look, and still looking concerned, he answered, "Inside, Mama. He's been there all morning." The boy didn't say 'just like always', but the words hung in the air and she sighed.

"Stay here, Buck. We'll be right back."

Adjusting the light coat over her shoulders, Hannah stepped back, turned on her heel and headed into the small motel room. They'd stayed here for the last five weeks. It had been one of the nicer places they'd been, but like always, nothing was really home. And once they'd said their goodbyes to Jane and Heather, it was all driving and one night stays until they reached...until they got to...his house. This was the right thing. This was...oh, but was it?

Was this the right thing? Resisting the urge to grab her head in frustration, she stepped into the little room that served as both bedroom and living room, heart breaking at the miserable picture her oldest made. Knees tucked to his chest, arms wrapped tight around them, he sat on the bed, facing away from her. His small Colorado Rockies bag sat next to him, everything he owned aside from clothes stuffed inside.

"Cowboy?" The dark blonde teen hunched his shoulders tighter and didn't respond. He swore he hated the nickname, but Hannah knew better. Still, she only used it in moments like these. When another few moments stretched out with no response from the sulking thirteen year old, Hannah walked across the small space and set her hand on her oldest's shoulder. "We gotta go, Darling. Grammy Jane and Heather are meeting us for lunch, remember?"

"Not hungry." The mumbled words were more angry than upset and Hannah bit back a reply that would've only caused more balking.

"You don't have to eat, Cowboy, but you need to get in the car." The boy shook his head, hugging tighter to his knees, where his face was still buried. Hannah sighed softly and sat on the bed, rubbing at the boy's shoulder.

"Chris, we have to go. You know checkout is eleven. Even if we didn't have a new place to go, we can't stay here." It was not the first time she'd had these talks with Chris but she was hoping it would be one of the last for awhile. She felt the boy tense again and then he slowly released his hold on his knees. He let his feet fall to the floor and slid a sideways glance at her, pulling away from her touch.

"Why? Why do we have to go...there?" His tone was no less angry than before, but he was moving, so she bit her lip again, choosing to ignore the tone as she fought the overwhelming desire to call it quits and simply stay in the car. It wouldn't be the first time. No...this was so there would be no more sleeping in the car.

Every move was tough, but they'd get through it. They always did.

Chris shifted next to her, getting to his feet and throwing his bag over his shoulder. He turned to face her as she stood. She forced a smile, thankful this was not one of the times he simply refused to move at all, and put a hand out to run over his hair. But he stepped back, a glare she was all too familiar with replacing the sullen look he'd been wearing, and she crossed her arms over her stomach in a fight not to pull at her own hair.

"Cowboy? You ready?" She asked the question on reflex, trying to calm the barrage of thoughts racing freely in her frenzied mind.

"Why?!" He demanded softly in response, still angry. Ignoring his question, she turned slightly, looking out the window. Why? Why? She wasn't even sure anymore. Surely in nearly twenty years, her father had to have softened...he'd said yes when she'd called. Hadn't lectured nearly as long as she'd thought he would when she told him about the boys. This really was the right thing.

Wasn't it?

Her arms unfolded from her stomach, one hand moving to her mouth as she started to bite her nails, the other grabbing a small tendril of hair and tugging hard. Once and then again...and again-

She pulled harder as the emotional ebb and flow became stronger, tugging and dragging her to the brink of -

"Mama?" Chris's voice, no longer angry, pulled at her from far away and she focused hard, her child's voice a lifeline, the only thing keeping the ocean of black depth from sucking her in.

Chris watched his mother, concern flickering steadily in blue eyes. He'd long since figured out when his Mama was really aware and when she wasn't. He knew the signs, was aware of how she changed, becoming more...entranced as she fell deeper into her own mind. Chris would never tell her he knew, and he did everything he could to keep Buck from knowing. There were some things you just didn't share with anyone.

"I'm ready, Mama." He whispered, reaching out cautiously to touch the hand she had in her mouth and pull gently at it.

He watched closely, one hand still on hers and felt relief wash over him when she pulled herself back from whatever darkness was grabbing at her. She released her hair, and blinked several times before looking at at him.

Adjusting his bag with one hand, he held out his hand to her. She hesitated only a moment longer, looking around their most recent home one last time, before taking her son's hand and heading out of the motel room.


	2. Chapter 2

Hey Everybody! Thank you so much for the reviews for this new and challenging story! Being in Hannah's head can be a bit like the bottom of the ocean- can't see my way out for the life of me and no clue if something's out to get me. (Ha!)

I was kind of nervous about it, as it's a bit of a different take on a fairly unused canon character, but with my own glaring curiosity and the awesome I'maMePanda's encouraging - here we are! Thank you again for the nice reviews and thanks to I'maMePanda for all her beta-ing, help, ideas and friendship! :)

*S4S*S4S*

"C'mon, Buck. Grammy Jane doesn't like it when we're late." Letting himself be pulled along as Hannah walked at a rapid pace, Buck looked back at Chris, who was trailing behind them, hands stuffed deep in his pockets, the sullen look back on his face. Catching Buck's look, Chris nodded.

"Mama, slow down." Chris called out, trying hard to hide the frustration in his voice.

Grabbing her pocketbook as it slid off her shoulder, Hannah began mumbling, "Always late. Can't get anywhere on time."

Buck glanced back again and shook his head at Chris, trying to warn off his brother as he was almost jerked towards the front door of the local Chuck Wagon restaurant.

"Supposed to be here 10 minutes ago..." Hannah kept mumbling without slowing. Frustrated and unable to hear her mumbling, Chris spoke louder.

"Grammy'll wait for us. She always does... _Mama_ , slow down." Pausing, Hannah looked back at Chris as if just remembering he was there. Staring at him momentarily, she opened her mouth, but whatever she'd been about to say was cut off.

"Mama, there's Grammy Jane! And Heather! See? In the window..? Grammy Jane said they'd get a window seat!" Buck's excited voice had Hannah looking down at her youngest as he bounced on his toes and waved at the two women in the window. Trying to organize her thoughts and calm her annoyance at being late, Hannah took a deep breath.

"Grammy Jane always keeps her promises, doesn't she, Baby?" She asked, ruffling his dark hair. Buck nodded, grinning at Chris as he came to a stop next to his brother.

"Grammy's here, see?" Simply grunting in response, Chris studied Hannah, and she let him for a moment, aware the boy knew something wasn't right.

After another moment, Buck watching both in concern, Hannah spoke. "C'mon boys. I'm hungry."

Buck dropped Hannah's hand and raced to the big doors that were painted to look like bat wing saloon doors. Pulling one open, he backed up and waited for his mother and Chris to go through before following them in and letting the door close behind him. He darted past Hannah, who reached out to snag his collar and chuckled when he had to stop short. "Slow down, Baby. This isn't the playground." Nodding, Buck turned to look at Chris, grinning. Chris just shook his head. The Chuck Wagon was a restaurant that Buck had been begging to go to for ages. Now that they were inside, Chris could see why, but it still seemed silly. Water troughs adorned either side of the walk up to the hostess stand and when Hannah released Buck's collar to speak with the hostess, Buck quickly moved over to one and Chris followed.

"Mama, Chris, there's fish in these!" Buck's excited call had Chris clapping a hand over his mouth.

"Don't need ta yell," the older boy spoke in Buck's ear.

"Chris, look-it though!" Buck continued, pointing at the large koi and goldfish as if Chris hadn't interrupted, the moment the older boy removed his hand.

*S4S*S4S*

Taking another small bite of her burger, Hannah smiled, listening to Buck as he held an animated conversation with Heather about a Star Wars character. Though Hannah never could keep them straight, she was aware that Buck's favorite was Han Solo. Sometimes Hannah felt Heather was better suited to the boys than she was. The delight on Heather's face as she argued the validity of using a Wookie as your mechanic, with a Buck who was giggling more and more at whatever Heather was saying, drove that point home. She could feel the mix of emotions begin to rise in her chest, her good mood starting to wane.

"Hannah?" Jane's voice beside her, had her turning to look at the older woman, slightly confused.

"Stay with us, Hannah. Do you have everything you need?" Jane took a sip of coffee as she looked steadily at Hannah. Blinking twice before staring into her own cup of coffee, she answered quietly.

"Everything but my sanity." What should've been a joke clearly wasn't and Jane frowned, resting a hand on Hannah's.

"Are you sure this is the best thing?" She asked as she glanced across the table at Chris. The boy was poking at his food, looking for all the world like he was wrapped in his own misery, but Jane was aware the blond teen was listening to everything from their conversation to Heather and Buck's.

"I have to, Jane. This is the best thing." The monotone of her voice and avoidance in the statement had Heather looking up from her conversation with Buck.

"Hannah, you don't have to do anything you aren't comfortable with." Shrugging and managing to also hunch her shoulders in one motion, Hannah looked across the table at Heather.

"This isn't about comfortable. This is about necessity." Heather shook her head, gently pushing her plate away and reaching for the pitcher of water that sat in the middle of the table.

"That's bull, Hannah. If you are unsure about moving, then you need to wait. Look at Ch-"

A sharp shake of Jane's head had Heather closing her mouth. She poured herself a glass of water, the air over their table bristling with untold emotions. Feeling both boys' eyes on her, Heather shifted on the bench seat, digging into her pocket to pull out a handful of change.

"Boys, why don't you go check out the candy machines." She handed the change to Buck, who glanced at his mother. She was stirring her coffee over and over with a straw, and she gave him a half smile when she caught his look.

Knowing Hannah was half way between happy and distressed, Jane pulled her pocketbook up from the seat. Taking her change purse out, she shook some change onto the table. "Bet you could use the pinball machine too." Chris looked up quick, trying to not looking as intrigued as he was, only to have Jane tease him a little. "You like pinball, Slugger?"

Trying to frown, he failed and grinned a tiny grin, the fond exasperation clear in his voice as he said, "You taught me how to play, Grammy," and shook his head a little as she handed him the coins.

"I did." Jane winked and gave a small nod of her head in the direction of the games.

"Thank you, Grammy Jane," Chris whispered, before looking at Hannah.

"It's ok, right Mama?" His whispered words had a sigh leaving Hannah, though Jane was the only one who heard it.

"Yes, Chris. Go on. Have fun." She gave a small smile like she had to Buck and the boy brightened, nodding and sliding out of his seat as Heather stood.

"Thank you, Grammy! Thank you, Heather!" Buck half yelled, ducking under the table, and crawling out from under it, managing to keep all his coins clutched in a fisted hand in the process. He hugged Heather and grinned at Jane, backing away from Heather when she tried to tickle his ribs. Chris rolled his eyes, tucking his own coins into his pocket. He headed for the back of the restaurant, Buck trailing him a moment later, before moving as close to Chris as he could, their shoulders almost touching as they walked.


	3. Chapter 3

Hey Everyone! While working on the next chapter of Band of Brothers, I got sidetracked and ended up finishing this chapter. :) I had most of it ready a few weeks ago, but couldn't seem to tie up the loose ends. Then, as inspiration tends to work, it came fairly easily over the last few days. We're getting a little deeper into Hannah's head here and seeing just how the entire situation is effecting them all. Also, I'm not sure I actually clarified when 'in time' this fic takes place. It's sometime in the late 1980's, hence Star Wars, and a few other things that are mentioned here. ;) Huge big thank you's to I'maMePanda for her suggestions, aid and beta work! She's the best!

*S4S*

"Hannah. What is wrong?" Heather demanded softly as she sat down and took a sip of her water. Reaching across the table she took hold of Hannah's hand. "We can't help if we don't know what's wrong."

"Heather's right. Are you sure you're welcome at your father's? You haven't spoken much of him over the years."

Refraining from putting a finger to her mouth even though the urge to bite a nail was almost overpowering, Hannah stared into her coffee a second longer before managing to harden her resolve. Taking a deep breath and focusing her thoughts on what was important for here and now, no matter that her brain was running amuck with what ifs, she picked her head up and looked first Jane and then Heather in the eye.

"This move is hard. The boys have never lived anywhere but here. I'm overwhelmed and nervous, but this is what I need to do right now." She could do this. She had gotten good over the years at sounding confident in her decisions, even when she wasn't. Hadn't she? And, he told her to come. Told her it was ok. So there was nothing to worry about. Right? She'd call Josiah once she got...to her father's. Josiah would understand. He always had. But...if she called now, he'd...he'd...she just couldn't. Not yet.

"But Hannah, you can find another job, another apartment. We'll help you. This doesn't have to be so hard on all of you."

Hannah began to shake her head before Heather had finished talking. Squeezing Heather's hand back, she gave a soft, almost resigned smile, "You are both so wonderful to us. But, I can't keep this up. He has a house...the boys need...we need to have...more than what I can give here."

Pushing her pocketbook out of the way, Jane took hold of the hand Heather wasn't holding, and reached out to tuck some of Hannah's wild dark blonde hair behind her ear. She smiled softly when Hannah's eyes closed at the familiar gesture and returning her free hand to the table, Jane spoke softly, but firmly. "Hannah, we will always be here for you. No matter what it is you choose to do. You and the boys are our family and we love you."

Fighting back the tears that threatened their way into her eyes for the umpteenth time, the overwhelming desire to wrap her arms about herself almost more than she could handle, Hannah nodded her acceptance. The love filled words were soothing, but the finality they brought, however unintentional, felt like daggers to her soul. Despite the hardships life had thrown her way, the two people who knew her better than anyone else were sitting here, sharing their love. And even though in her darkest moments, when there was no rhyme or reason to the whys, the fears, the unwanted and bizarre notions that ran through her head, when there was no way out of the darkness that was her own mind, Heather and Jane were always there.

And it meant more to her than she could ever hope to express.

"Thank you both. I don't know what I would do without the two of you."

*S4S*

"Mama! I won! I won the Pac-man game! Heather, Grammy Jane, didja hear?! I won!" The dark haired boy slid to a stop next to the table, grinning and flushed in his excitement. Leaning against Jane's side he took a deep breath, letting it out as Jane hugged him 'round the waist.

"Good job, Buckeroo," she said as Heather leaned forward, one hand in the air.

"High five, Buck! You're the man!" she crowed, her face lit up in almost the same amount of excitement as the boy's as he gave her the high five she was expecting. Hannah smiled across the table at him and he grinned back, leaning into Jane a bit more as the next words rushed from him,

"Chris bet I couldn't, but I did it! I got to put my name in! Grammy, Heather, you got any more quarters so I can play again?!"

"Buck!" Hannah's voice snapped out in surprise and light frustration, the relaxed look gone in a second. Jane's hand moved to pat Hannah's knee as Buck's face fell, not quite sure what he'd done to upset his mother. Jane whispered in the boy's ear as Heather redirected Hannah's attention, asking her if she had everything she needed for the journey.

"You don't ask like that, Buck." Chris's voice, a mixture of disbelief and exasperation clear in it, came a few feet from their table, and Jane looked up from her quiet conversation with Buck to shake her head at the older boy.

"He understands, Chris." The light warning had Chris ducking his head, and knowing the role the older boy was forced to play, more often than Jane liked to think about, she quickly changed the subject, running a tickling hand over Buck's belly as she asked, "How'd you do, Slugger?"

The teen's head came up and he stepped closer to the table, a tiny grin working at his lips, as Buck squirmed and giggled with Jane's tickling. "New high score," the soft words were accompanied by shining eyes and Jane smiled.

"That's my boy!"

Heather, turning from a much calmer Hannah, slid out of her seat to clap Chris on the shoulder.

"I think you owe me a match before we're done here. Grammy may've taught you to play, but I taught you the tricks of the trade." Winking, she stepped away from the chuckling teen, adding, "I'm going out to the car for a minute. Why don't you guys order some ice cream?"

*S4S*

Chris stabbed his spoon into his hot fudge and brownie sundae, a spoonful of the icy goodness on its way to his mouth as Heather arrived back at the table. Her arms were laden with wrapped gifts, a gift bag and a large flower arrangement tucked tightly in one arm. Ice cream forgotten, he couldn't help but look over at Buck. His brother's face changed emotions rapidly, surprise and confusion being quickly chased off by a grin that practically cracked his face in two. Buck dropped his own spoon into his banana split and began bouncing in his seat, the excitement pouring off him in waves.

"Mama! Look! Grammy...do you see...Heather!" Buck slid under the table again, popping up next to Heather a moment later, "What are these?! Is that for Mama?! Mama loves flowers, Heather!" Chris stuck his spoon back in his sundae and pushed the dish away. He glanced at Jane, then back to his mother, sure she was going to scold Buck for going under the table again, but when Hannah opened her mouth to do so, a wave from Heather stopped her.

"Yeah Buckaroo, this is for your Mama." Heather replied, setting the flower on the table near Jane and smiling at Hannah over Buck's head. "And this is for you." Shifting the packages around, she handed the bouncing eleven year old a rectangular package wrapped in brilliant blue paper.

"Can I open it now? Huh? Mama, Chris! Look!"

Jane caught Buck's arm and tugged him over near her, "Just a moment, Buck. Wait for your Mama and Chris to get theirs." Bobbing his head in agreement, the excited youngster began to play with the curling blue and yellow ribbon that dangled off the package in his hands.

Confused, Chris's questioning look was answered as Heather placed a box wrapped in black and red paper in front of him, then slid the bag and the flower arrangement across the table to Hannah. Staring at the gift in front of him, he threw a glance at the three adults around the table and then shoved his ice cream back a bit more as he moved down in the seat to allow Heather in next to him.

"Open up, folks!" Heather grinned, elbowing Chris gently in the side as she said it.

"Heather...Jane, there's no need...this is...this is too much." Hannah trailed off, her mind whirling. The gratefulness she felt for the two ladies warred with the nagging thoughts. _Always nagging_ thoughts. Buck hugged his box to his chest and looked at Jane, tears welling in sad eyes.

"Do I have to give it back?" he whispered, blinking his eyes rapidly.

Pushing his present across the table towards Jane, Chris felt the sinking feeling in his stomach, but shoved it as far away as possible. "C'mon, Buck. Grammy and Heather have done a lot for us already."

"Now, wait a minute!" Heather stood up, her voice not angry, but definitely a bit frustrated as it rang out. "You," she pointed to Chris, "And you," another point, at Buck this time, "Sit down, eat your ice cream and open your gifts."

Hannah nodded, taking a deep breath before reaching across the table to push Chris's ice cream back towards the blonde boy. "Go ahead. You don't have to give them back," she turned to grin softly at Buck, his wide eyed look turning to one of excitement as he began bouncing on his toes, "I'd never make you give back presents, baby." Looking back to Chris, she pushed his present next to his ice cream. "Go on, Chris. Open up."

Jane slid closer to Hannah, letting Buck sit on the edge of the seat. He dropped his present in front of him and tore into it. Chris pulled his own present closer, a bit of a grin crossing his face as Heather sat next to him once more and pointed at his present expectantly.

*S4S*

He stared at the personal tape player, headphones and Iron Maiden cassette tape, unable to form words. The mixed feelings were skittering around his belly like the mice in apartment 53 used to around the kitchen at night. He could hear Buck's excited voice, clamoring about some new Star Wars figures. His own gift, bigger than anything he'd gotten before in one setting, was just as incredible. He'd liked Iron Maiden for a long time but never in his wildest dreams did he think he'd be looking at his own copy of their music. He picked it up, running a finger over their name on the cover and then nearly dropped it as the finality of what the gifts represented slammed his already broken emotions.

Leaving was no longer just a plan, a flimsy, half hearted decision, like hundreds of others his mother had made and never followed through with. It was no longer a fact subject to the winds of change. It was truth. Cold, hard, unchanging truth and the gifts- _going away gifts_ , hit him harder than he had the ability to handle. He was up and running before he'd even made the conscious decision to do so.


	4. Chapter 4

Hey again, everyone! Here's another chapter of Searching for Serenity! It was mostly written awhile ago, then I got sidetracked and kind of left it dangling. A pm from heiliwig2002 (thank you!) got me looking over what I had and I was able to add a bit and polish it up. I'maMePanda beta'd it for me (thank you!) and here we are! There's some pretty intense emotions going on here and the next few chapters may be like this, short and fairly emotional.

**S4S**

Buck stared, eyes wide and concerned as his mother, Heather and his Grammy Jane held a whispered conversation. Chris had just shot out of the restaurant like his feet were on fire. Hadn't even taken his presents with him. Buck looked down at his new Bobba Fett and Lando Calrissian, a grin overtaking him even in his worried state. He was so close to having a full set of characters now, and wouldn't Mitch Ellison be jealous as- Buck's thoughts halted, realizing in that moment that he wasn't ever going to see Mitch again. He blinked rapidly, the characters swimming in front of him, their features mottled as the tears thickened. Dashing his sleeve against his eyes, he blinked again, smiling when Bobba's helmeted head no longer looked like gray mush, and looked back to his Mama. Cautiously stepping around the table, he moved to where the three women stood, still talking quietly and pressed his body into his mother's, needing her more in that moment than he had in days. When her arm came around his shoulders, pulling him tight into her side, the tears he'd held back moments before, trickled down his cheeks, unbidden in their quest for freedom.

**S4S**

Sucking in gulping breaths, Chris paused outside the small gas station. Bent over, with hands on his knees, he stared at the ground through traitorous unshed tears while he simultaneously willed them to stop. His chest hurt, his eyes stung and he vaguely remembered smashing his arm into a street sign as he'd barreled around it.

He straightened, pulling his sleeve back to assess the damage. It was a good scrape, that trickled a thin line of blood over a rapidly forming bruise. He must've hit it harder than he thought.

Oh well.

Taking one more shuddering breath, he looked across the street, realizing right then, that he'd run to one of his favorite places. One arm around his aching middle, he jogged slowly across the rough tar of the parking lot, taking a quick glance before crossing the deserted street. He shoved the fence gate open, moving around the corner of the small green building, before ducking inside. Sitting down on the far corner of the bench, he kicked his feet against the rocky dirt as the thoughts that had left him during his run, came back in full force.

They were leaving. _Really_ leaving. And there wasn't a thing he could do about it. He'd fought it every way he'd been able and not a single effort had stopped this disastrous event from happening. He just didn't understand. He slid to the ground, rocks poking at him through his jeans as he shuffled his body tightly into the corner. Drawing his knees to his chest, he tipped his head back, lightly hitting it on the rough gray wood behind him.

This was a nightmare and there was no way out. He wasn't going to wake up and find it had only been his imagination. Wasn't going to set foot in his school tomorrow, or come here to the baseball field for a game ever again. He had no idea when he'd see Heather and Grammy after today- a hitching breath escaped him at that and unable to swallow back the tears, he buried his face in his knees and cried.

**S4S**

Putting her yellow Datsun in park, Jane tightened her hands on the steering wheel before turning the vehicle off. She was hoping that her hunch was right and the teenager had come to the one place in his life that had never changed. Merritt Field. It was a fair distance from The Chuck Wagon, but that boy had wings when he wanted. Walking across the beat up pavement, the parking lot in desperate need of repair, she sidestepped a pothole and headed for the fenced off baseball field.

Pushing open the old metal gate, her heart skipped a beat when she heard rustling from inside the dugout. She moved quietly into the small building, and squinted at the change in light. She saw Chris tucked tightly into the corner and though she had been fairly certain he was here, the rush of relief was still welcome. She took two steps further inside and paused, not wanting to intrude if the teen wasn't ready.

"Hi Grammy." The whispered words were almost too low to hear, but a soft smile crossed her face when they registered. Moving across the small space, she sank to the rough ground next to the boy and rested a hand on his knee. Rubbing it lightly, she waited for Chris to speak. She was well aware if she pushed him too much..rushed him into giving her answers, what she'd get would be untruthful and angry.

After another few moments of silence, Jane moving her hand from the boy's knee to around his shoulder, she tugged him close and whispered, "Lot to think about, huh, Slugger?" She felt her grandson nod against her shoulder as he leaned a bit closer in her one armed hug.

"Nothing is….everything is...I don't…" the quiet, angry words that came from the teen were no surprise, and neither was the hurt the boy thought he'd hidden beneath them. Tightening her hold on his shoulders, she spoke softly.

"It's never easy to make this kind of change, Chris. I can't tell you it is. And I won't tell you it'll be easy, because that's not true either and you already know it isn't. But, the time and thought that was put into this tell me that your Mama is doing what she thinks is right."

He pulled away, the ragged look he threw at her, nearly her undoing. "But why _this_?! We've never even met him!"

Jane had wondered the same, many times over the last few months. It made no sense to her that Hannah would go to the one place, the one person that she'd only spoken of a handful of times in the eight years Jane had known her. Still, she couldn't fault Hannah for trying. The girl had been through so much. And Jane knew she didn't know the half of it.

"I wish I had the answer for you, darling. I only know that your Mama has worked really hard to pull this together and I think you need to at least give her credit for that."

Nodding, Chris dropped his chin to his chest, and Jane felt him inch a bit closer to her side. She tightened her hold once more, one hand absently running through the boy's still sweaty hair. She wasn't sure what more to say, or if there was anything else _to_ say.

"Grammy?" Chris's voice was husky with the strain of holding back tears.

"Yeah, darling?"

"I don't want to leave."


End file.
